Ways to Come Out of Hiding

Hiding is a safe haven for many of us...And it works, until it doesn't anymore..

hiding as a safe haven

Hiding is a safe haven for so many of us..

And yet there are serious repercussions for choosing to do so - namely the sense of loneliness that comes when nobody truly knows who you are or how you feel. The nervous system tension that maybe you will be "found out". The shame and self-deprecation for not having the courage to be who you are.

Conversely, coming out into the world authentically can feel good and empowering. (Think the reduction of all the above.)

However, there are often considerations for doing so. So I feel it would be a little trite for me to write "hey just get more authentic in your life as a means to reclaiming a better experience for yourself."

THERE'S THE STORY OF MY BISEXUAL NEIGHBOUR

A good example of this is a story my neighbour told me whilst dog walking. 

It constantly amazes and humbles me the lengths that the LGBTQ community have had to go through (and still go through) to fight for the right to basically exist. In some areas of the world of course, being openly anything other than purely heterosexual will put you in actual physical danger. Maybe even in prison.

But even in more progressive countries - it can still be really hard to be gay.

For example, my neighbour came out at school in Switzerland. (A fairly conservative place.)

The entire school turned against him.

"Everybody thinks you are disgusting" said one, pre-pubescent, aftershave laden boy with a e-cigarette habit. 

There were no conversations to be had after he came out of hiding. No more social gatherings to be invited to. A consistent barage of texts came his way over social media - faggot, queer, disgusting, pussy.

The teachers knew apparently but, hey, what could they do?

Suicidal ideation became a norm for this man. Until he found a community of course who either shared his desires and/or accepted him anyway. Plus it is the law after all. Hate crime is illegal in many countries, including the one in which my neighbour and I live.  

WAS IT THE RIGHT DECISION TO COME OUT OF HIDING?

Certainly my friend thinks so.

In spite of what happened to him. Let's just say he faced his fear and, save being beaten up on the street, the worst thing that could happen to him did happen to him and he survived.

What arose as a result of his refusal to hide was a type of fearlessness. A kind of "do you worst" to the world. 

YOU NEED TO LEARN TO EXPRESS YOURSELF TO STOP HIDING

So, this is not a post about how to come out as a gay man. It's actually a post about how to get authentic in your expression. To use your voice as a way to best represent yourself.

Think of the story of my neighbour as a precursor. Like a "buyer beware". Because coming out of hiding will inevitably mean some sort of loss for you personally. People will stop seeing you how you think they want to see you. People may stop (insert your fear of the loss of approval here.)

WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH YOU ARE HIDING?

I often ask clients to go through a good old fashioned journal audit for this one.

Write down in one column what you believe - about yourself , about the world etc. 

Write down in another column what you do - day to day.

Write down in a third column what you say to people (or don't say).

Then take a good cold look at how aligned all three columns are.

If there is a big difference, truth be told you could probably do with working on some authenticity in your life.

Just pick one thing that you are hiding about and start to act differently. Take it slow, tiger! Just one at a time. And sit back and watch what unfolds. You never know - you may be pleasantly surprised.