anorgasmia - the waiting game

Woe is the woman with anorgasmia who cannot cum.

It's like there is a cliff edge right? Called climax. 

You can feel yourself approaching it. 

Perhaps you go over it quickly, perhaps it takes a while to run at it and jump. 

Perhaps you make the jump, only to find that it wasn't all that much and it wasn't really a cliff but a ditch. Maybe three inches deep.

Maybe you can see the edge but you can never quite let go over it anyway.

Or maybe you're in a muddy field. Chomping through the wet glass in your wellington boots and wondering where on earth the sea view is. Not a cliff anywhere in sight.

ANORGASMIA AND THE MODERN WOMAN

Whichever your experience of anorgasmia (and it can vary of the course of a woman's life too), then rest assured your experience is normal.

What? 

I can hear you say.

Yes. Normal.

Not everybody cums like a freight train. Every time.

Not everyone squirts half a gallon of pure liquid every time their partner goes down on them.

anorgasmia and porn

I'll be honest ..... sometimes the simple act of pouring approval into a coaching container when a woman arrives complaining she is a fully fledged member of the anorgasmia club, is often enough to help her begin to relax and actually start to experience her sex from a whole new angle.

Unfortunately, the conditioning we have received from media, medical and moral institutions, can really set us up to self-judge when it comes to our sexual performance. (And my course The Orgasm Method really helps deconstruct this by the way, if you are interested.)

Porn culture has also taught women that they are unusual if they don't perform to the standard orgasmic expectation of the average male.

But the truth is, your orgasm is likely there. Hiding in the wardrobe 'cos the lights are too bright.

And if you'd like to know some ways to coax her back into your loving arms again, then I am gonna let you know some pretty good ways to start in this blog.

do you have anorgasmia?

Well just to be on the safe side, let's first have a look at what anorgasmia actually is:

According to the Mayo Clinic:

Anorgasmia, or female orgasmic disorder, is defined as experiencing any of these in a significant way:

• Delayed orgasm
• Absence of orgasm
• Fewer orgasms
• Less-intense orgasms

Anorgasmia can also be:

• Lifelong, if you've never had an orgasm
• Acquired, if you have new problems with having orgasms
• Situational, if you have problems with orgasm only in certain situations, with certain kinds of stimulation or with certain partners
• Generalised, if you have problems with orgasm in any situation

anorgasmia is not necessarily a disorder

One thing I want to add in here, as you may experience many or all of the above from time to time, is that anorgasmia is not necessarily a disorder unless it is distressing you.

So in other words, there may be times when your orgasm does not peak, or is a bit meh. If this doesn't worry you? No problemo.

ways to help anorgasmia

If it has become problematic for you though, then it is worth considering a few ways to try and relax a little and let orgasm come meet you. The following can be helpful:

1. Really learn how to self-pleasure - being able to find enjoyment in masturbation is key to being able to climax. In a solo situation, it is easier to remove the pressure andjust - play. Highly recommended. 
2. Educated yourself. Know what you have and where the sensation can be found in your genitals and why. (Of course, I would say this, but the best self-pleasure, online education course into the nature of the feminine orgasm can be found HERE. If you'd like to try.)
3. Check for any medical conditions - sometimes numbness and pain, or lack of hormonal balance, can play a key role in anorgasmia. Do take your issue to your local health professional to discuss. There may be a need for medical intervention - or even just some postural adjustments to get the blood flowing into your pelvic organs again. Don't rule this out as the problem.
4. Examine sexual trauma - do you have any abuse history? Are you a trauma survivor? It is worth nothing that any kind of trauma can affect sexual function, so seeking professional help can be super useful in moving stuck patterns of fight, flight or freeze out of the body. None of these trauma responses are conducive to climax.
5. Relational conflict - if your orgasm is forthcoming during self-pleasure, but not with a partner, then reflect on what might be holding you back? Is there unresolved conflict? Things your partner does that might upset or alarm you and close your natural pleasure centre off? Do you just clam up with another person anyway because you are so adept at performing for their pleasure? Seeking a couples coach or therapist who can help you uncover any relational dynamics in the way of your orgasm can be a great place to start.

All the very best! Don't forget to let me know how you got on.